My Plural Father Has Been Found

July 23 2005, 8:13 PM

I was a little concerned Thursday at the news that the plural version of my father, a bald, tattooed guy named David Banes, had walked out of a minimum security prison near my home. Well, you can stop looking for him (and you won't get your $2,500 reward, either) because Banes has been caught. Here's the small story from The Rocky Mountain News:

An inmate who walked away from the minimum-security Camp George West facility was captured Thursday after 20 hours on the lam, corrections officials said. Authorities said David Banes, 34, was found without incident by Denver police at a motel. He was to be transferred to a maximum-security prison in Denver. Banes entered the Camp George West facility Dec. 15 on a three-year sentence for menacing and a one-year sentence for drug abuse out of Jefferson County. His parole date was May 2008.

Another story on 9News.com says that Banes was caught at a Motel 5 on West Alameda last night. A Motel 5? You walk out of a minimum-security prison so you can go to a Motel 5? I've seen the minimum security prison he was in. I'd stay there before I stayed in a Motel 6. What kind of a meathead "escapes" from jail and immediately downgrades his accomodations? Has that ever happened before? Was that part of the plan? Man, I need to get out of here. I've got to get to a place that has dirty sheets and smells like my underwear. (Writer's note: Please don't sue me, Motel 5. I'm sure your accomodations are lovely.) While I'm glad he was captured, I've got to admit a little disappointment that a guy who almost has my father's name could do such a poor job in his 20 hours of freedom. First of all, the "prison" he walked out of is right near the intersections of Colfax, 6th Avenue, I-70 and C-470. He was able to get to West Alameda, which I assume means he had a car. So instead of, oh, I don't know, leaving town quickly in any of several directions...he heads towards Denver in search of worse accomodations than he left behind. Brilliant! Where did he go for dinner? Texaco? Maybe he planned to turn himself in for the reward for his capture, but when he found out that it was only $2,500 he had to cancel his reservation at the Brown Palace. Now Banes is in a maximum-security in Denver, where they are so overcrowded they sleep on piles on mattresses like the Princess and the Pea (There's a lump in my mattress. No, wait, that's Steve). So in less than 24 hours, our man Banes went from bad to worse to why-doesn't-my-toilet-have-a-seat, all because he thought it was a good idea to walk out of a minimum security prison that he only needed to stay at for three years. The story yesterday said that Banes should be considered dangerous. To who? Banes?