August 31 2009, 12:57 PM
Dear Brandon, It has crossed my mind in recent days that you may be looking for a temporary job during preseason now that you've been suspended. You don't know this, but I've been following your every move over the past couple months, checking the accuracy of the daily news and sports reporting for 5280's Web department. It was a temporary gig, but I was really grateful for it. It helped make ends meet during a time when it's rather difficult to find media jobs. The more I read about your situation, the more confused I became as to why you don't seem grateful for your job. In fact, I found only one thing to be clear: You really want to be traded. Brandon, I know no one else is listening to your pleas right now, but I've decided that I'm ready to trade. Here's the deal: You take over my work at 5280---including my previous gig editing sports entries and my current gig writing a daily blog---and I'll go be a wide receiver for the Broncos. Here's why you'll be good at my job: You know everything about you. Fact-checking will be incredibly easy for you. After all, you know whether you walked instead of ran at practice. Some of the quotes from coach Josh McDaniels may be painful, but I'm pretty sure you would be able to verify them more quickly than me. You can write with a hip injury. I know you haven't been feeling well. I actually work from home, my feet propped up lengthwise on the couch. You could easily ice and blog at the same time. Also, it seems like you like to complain. So do journalists! Sign up for a Twitter account and let â€˜er loose. You are a good fit for my blog. You seem really bummed about your salary. I know how that can feel---that's why Cheap Thrills is about living life affordably. I think my readers will get a kick out of hearing your budget constraints on a $448,000-a-year salary. Why I'll be good at your job: I would be totally happy with your salary. Half a million a year works fine for me. I love Denver. And I would love it even more with that kind of money. I run every day for free. I didn't understand when I saw you walking behind your team while everyone else ran during a recent workout. I run every day for free, often reorganizing my crazy freelance lifestyle to get in two-hour runs, training for a marathon. I would love to be compensated for staying in shape. I am a nerdy white girl. Sure, I'm eight inches shorter than you and a hundred pounds lighter. No, my lack of tattoos and ungainly body proportions aren't exactly fitting for a wide receiver. But let's be honest, you haven't exactly been media-friendly lately. And the media lights up when one of their own gets involved as a fish-out-of-water in professional sports. Have you read Paper Lion? A Few Seconds of Panic? I rest my case.