High On Life...And Maybe Some Other Stuff

November 7 2013, 11:00 AM

Recently, Kansas City’s Fox affiliate television station resurrected a two-year old listing of the “Worst Things about Each U.S. State.” We’re not entirely sure what prompted the station to revisit the list (which they called “new”), but we’re happy that it gives us the opportunity to set the record straight about something. Specifically that Colorado does not, in fact, have the worst cocaine habit in the nation. 

Just the fourth worst habit.

In the two years since the list was initially posted by Jeff Wysaski on his blog pleated-jeans.com, the percentage of Coloradans who report using cocaine in the past year dropped from 3.9 percent to 2.51, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s most recent National Survey on Drug Use. Not that we’re all that far behind D.C., Vermont, and Rhode Island.

Of course, it bears noting that we also rank in the top five for marijuana use (4th) and nonmedical use of painkillers (2nd), landing us at number five for overall illicit drug use. Insert jokes about the Mile High City here.

Other (now two-year-old) nuggets we gleaned from the list:

1. Do not get in a car in Massachusetts, which, based on the rate of auto accidents, has the worst drivers. Or maybe just the angriest. 

2. Do not have sex south of the Mason Dixon line. Mississippi has the highest overall rate of STDs and Louisiana has the highest rate of gonorrhea.

3. Do not look for a liver transplant in Arizona, which has the highest rate of alcoholism. (We’d probably drink ourselves stupid, too, if we had to endure three-digit temps on a regular basis.)

4. If you’re an estate law attorney, move to Iowa. It’s tied with three other states for the highest percentage of people older than 85. (Aside: Since when is having senior citizens a bad thing, anyway? We love grandparents.) 

5. Wool underwear makes you (secretly) naughty: Utah has the highest rate of online porn subscriptions. We’re shocked. No really, this is our serious face.  

—Images courtesy of Shutterstock

Follow senior editor Kasey Cordell on Twitter @KaseyCordell.