Searching for Home from the Back of a Horse

Love and longing in the rugged landscape of the West.

December 2012

After the yellowstone trip I started emailing Ron under the pretext of picking his brain for horse-training tips. He answered my questions with thoughtful suggestions and sweet observations that made me think he was a horse-whispering poet.

“Horses read body language,” he wrote. “Your job is to relax, breathe, and forget about your problems. Your horse will follow your lead. Hell, horses are to forget the pressures and slip into another world.”

Ron gave me exercises to build trust with Mel, efforts that took hours, days, months. With the best intentions I tried them, but I always gave up. I didn’t have his commitment. I didn’t have his patience. I didn’t trust they’d work. I didn’t trust myself. Mel remained confused and recalcitrant. I continued to lean on Ron, whom I’d come to adore. By the time I drove up his driveway to embark on a five-day horse pack-trip in the Washakie Wilderness (under the guise of researching a magazine story), I was certain I was in love.

After a dinner of tacos (made with beef from a steer the girls had raised), Ron and I went to bed early in separate bedrooms. Ron’s parents were there, too; they’d be watching the girls while he was gone. The next day at sunrise, I scampered out of Ron’s way as he shuttled saddles, bridles, and brushes into his horse trailer. Then he loaded his steel-gray gelding, the mules, and the horse I’d ride, a skinny, dark brown mare. Our awkward silence disappointed me. I’d expected the fluency of our emails to translate into a personal connection. I followed when he climbed into the truck cab. When we rolled into the gas station and he said, “breakfast,” I almost bounced out of my seat.

“What do you want?” I asked, yearning to feed him.

“I’ll take care of myself.”

I eyed his breakfast burrito with envy as he climbed into the truck. The mini donuts and burnt coffee I inhaled left me with the bitter snap of a caffeinated sugar high. I questioned why I was sitting on the bench of a three-quarter-ton pickup with a loaded gun in a rack over my shoulders. Ron whistled into the morning.

The ice broke on our second day. We rode to the headwaters of the Greybull River, slid off the horses, and stared at the crack in the ground where pure water seeped into the creek bed. Ron dropped to his hands and knees, pressed his lips to the water’s surface, and drank from the source like he was a wild animal, and I did too.

That’s when he told me about Donnie, his brother. When Donnie was in his early 20s, Ron, Donnie, their dad, and their oldest brother went on a hunting trip. It was fall. The ground was icy. They were climbing a steep hill when Donnie’s horse lost its footing and fell to its knees. Donnie stayed calm, but the horse panicked and tried to scramble to its feet. Instead, he and Donnie slid over the cliff’s edge.

Ron and his crew dashed out of the mountains to call for help. A helicopter came. It was hell. Donnie and his horse were dead. The rescuers lowered a person to load Donnie’s body. They left the horse after they removed the tack.

Ron wanted to stop talking about it, but I wouldn’t let him. I wanted to know who loaded the body, and if Ron saw it up close. I wanted to know if he’d been close with Donnie. How had it changed him, I probed, to have his brother die on a family hunting trip?

I felt entitled to know. It was as if by returning my emails for a year, and letting me invite myself on this trip, and humoring me when I waxed on about Mel, Ron invited me to unearth his most devastating experience. Then, when I’d heard all I needed, I holstered my questions. (I would later record the story in my diary.) My mind wandered to the grumbling in my stomach, my crush on Ron, and whether we’d actually sleep together.

We did, on our last night in the wilderness. After dinner, we checked on the horses and mules. The stars in the night sky stitched together like a lacy blanket. We went inside the ramshackle cabin where there were two twin beds. I tugged on one to see if I could push them together. Nope. We were running out of time, riding out the next day. He looked at me, and I looked at him. Still nothing. So I trilled, “I’m cold,” and he said to c’mon over there and get warm. And I did. And it was so forced. I wanted it too badly, and he didn’t want it badly enough.