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Illustration by Michael Byers

Colorado’s House Of Horrors

To celebrate the season, we imagined an eerie abode filled with the terrors Front Range residents fear most right now—and immediately wished we hadn't.

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A Nightmare On Auraria Parkway

Serbian center Nikola Jokić became our favorite transplant after he averaged 20.1 points per game during the Denver Nuggets’ resurgent 2018-’19 season. In our worst dreams, a torn Achilles tendon (à la Kevin Durant) benches him while the Portland Trail Blazers dunk on us again…and again…and again.

The Blair Witch Housing Project

Just when you thought they were gone, slot homes rise from the grave! Although zoning laws passed in May 2018 require heavier regulation of these multifamily units, the city approved about 30 of the sideways-facing projects before the change. Which means these monstrosities haven’t been slain quite yet.

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Night Of The Living Politicians

First, there was one. Then, three. Suddenly, eight. The urge to challenge Republican Cory Gardner for his U.S. Senate seat spread through this state (at least, its bluer half) like a virus, with 10 candidates, including John Hickenlooper, in the race as of press time. The only cure is eight months away: next summer’s Democratic primary.

Don’t Breathe Now

On March 6, Denver’s Air Quality Index, which measures pollutants such as carbon monoxide, jumped to 154 (a “good” reading is from zero to 50). Even scarier, an April report from the American Lung Association labeled Denver the country’s 12th-
most-ozone-polluted city and said the Mile High City’s air quality is only getting worse.

28 Stops Later

A new law requiring two-wheel-drive cars to don winter tires or have snow chains in the vehicle while between Morrison and Dotsero on I-70 should help prevent weather-related spinouts. It also has the potential to cause more delays: The Colorado Department of Transportation is threatening to monitor compliance with traffic-choking checkpoints.

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