If you’ve ever emerged from the cocoon of a cleansing facial and thought, ‘The only thing that could make this better is if it included breast milk,’ then you’re in luck: Colorado spas are offering up some pretty bizarre beauty treatments. From a massage with THC-infused lotions to the aforementioned breast milk facial, here are some of the weirdest spa services we’ve come across on our quest for eternal youth and beauty.

Brew & Renew Massage at Four Seasons Vail

One of the most popular treatments at the Four Seasons Vail’s spa doesn’t involve algae or acai berry or another trendy “miracle” ingredient; just good, old-fashioned beer. Their take on a hot stone massage uses warmed cans of Crazy Mountain Brewing Company—Vail Valley’s first production brewery—to encourage blood flow throughout the body, alleviate pain, and melt away stress. When you’re done with the warm cans, drink a cold one—beer naturally acts as a pH-balancer for the skin, giving you a glow and a good buzz. 50 minutes: $170; 80 minutes: $250; One Vail Road, Vail; 970-477-8600

Pumpkin Spice Pedicure at the Ritz Carlton Denver

During the chilly months, we live in a world of pumpkin spice everything, so it should come as no surprise that the Ritz Carlton Denver is getting your feet in on the gourd action too. Pumpkin’s enzymes and antioxidants are as effective topically as when ingested, and its high levels of vitamins A and C work to soften and soothe skin. With an apple cider soak, honey sugar scrub, and pumpkin spice mask, your toes will achieve autumnal nirvana. 50 minutes: $75; 75 minutes: $90; 1881 Curtis St.; 303-312-3830

Breast Milk Facial at Mud Facial Bar

Stick with us here. Breast milk is one of the most nourishing and healing substances on earth, so why should babies get all the benefits? Mud Facial Bar in Boulder uses the liquid gold to soothe skin, improve elasticity, and make your skin as smooth as a baby’s you-know-what. To answer your most pressing questions: Yes, it’s real human breast milk, sourced from moms who pledge to eat an all-organic diet (the Cadillac of breast milk!). No, it doesn’t come directly from the source. And no, BYOBM is not an option. 30 minutes: $60; 2098 Broadway St., Boulder; 303-903-0441

White Chocolate Truffle Body Wrap at Spa Struck

Eating a tub of warm, ooey-gooey chocolate? Maybe not so good for your health. Getting slathered with the sweet stuff—and all its natural antioxidants that tone and hydrate the skin? Much better. The pros at Spa Struck, located inside The Charter at Beaver Creek, swear that the chocolate leaves your skin tighter and smoother for days post-wrap. The jury’s out on whether it helps or hinders chocolate cravings. 50 minutes: $155; 120 Offerson Rd., Beaver Creek; 970-845-2225

Mile High Massage at LoDo Massage Studio

This is Denver, so of course you can get a massage with THC-infused lotions. LoDo Massage Studio uses Apothecanna’s Pain Crème (which is infused with both THC and CBD) to knead your muscles into a state of relaxed bliss. Depending on where you fall on the Cheech and Chong sliding scale of cannabis health benefits, the lotion could be nothing more than a placebo or a magical cure-all. But, since the THC doesn’t actually penetrate the bloodstream, the only high you’ll get is from the massage itself. 60 minutes: $69, 90 minutes: $99; 3101 Walnut St., Ste. 200; 720-360-0035

Allyson Reedy
Allyson Reedy
Allyson Reedy is a freelance writer and ice cream fanatic living in Broomfield.