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I am sorry I have been out of touch for a week or so. I actually took the opportunity to take a vacation with two of my best girlfriends, Julie Naslund and Michelle Ferro. We went to Las Vegas on August 23-26. We had so much fun! It was such a blast and much needed girl time away from everything. I really took advantage of the time to think and just have fun. I wanted to clear my mind of everything, being that I will begin chemo again next Wednesday, September 7th. It has been awhile since I was able to do that. It was very difficult to be away from my husband, Tyler Davis, and my baby girl, Abbey. It was the first time I have ever been away from them both at the same time. It made me appreciate my family so much more.
Since I will begin the difficult road of treatment again next week, I am trying to prepare myself the best I can–mentally, physically, financially, etc. Having gone through this before, I am finding it much harder this time around to cope with what is about to happen. I think it is harder simply because I know what is coming, and how sick I will be, and how time consuming all the doctor appointments are, and the possibility of losing my hair all over again….It is going to be a lot!
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The bright side of this is that I did a very good job at balancing it all the first time, and have a brilliant system down as far as rides, meals, child care, etc. I am very blessed to have a ton of support and love surrounding me, so I am confident that I will come through this with flying colors. It is just taking me a lot longer this time to accept how much my life is going to change–again–and build that strength up that I have had through this entire journey.
I know it is normal to have ups and downs. It is just that I am not used to staying down for this long. I was not prepared to have to deal with the fact that I would have to go through treatment again. I think in the back of my mind, I really believed that I would be “cured” and never have to deal with this again. I don’t think it was a reality for me that this would be an uphill battle for the rest of my life. I know that is normal, but I think I tell myself that it is not OK to think that way because it makes me weaker and I have to be strong not only for myself, but for everyone. It is also very hard because I know how much it takes out of my friends and family. It is hard to ask for help, and I have to ask for so much of it. It is just not me that is starting this treatment, it involves so many more people and it takes a lot out of your life. I really struggle with the guilt that I hold inside because I feel like I am asking everyone to put their life on hold for me and my needs. It is an awful feeling. I know that no one would ever think that, but I still have a hard time with not feeling that hurt and guilt.
I spoke with my doctor today and found out that I will begin chemo for sure next Wednesday. I go in for lots of tests this week–MUGA (heart scan), MRI, bone scan, blood work, etc. I will be down at University Hospital next Wednesday for about 10 hours or so getting my treatment and then have to go down there again the next day for more followup tests and blood work. I will be participating in a clinical study for a year, hopefully more as long as this chemo works. I will be getting chemo weekly! After I find out the exact names and doses of my chemo drugs, I will gladly post them. I think it is good to know that kind of information.
I hope this finds you all happy and in good health and thank you again for the continuous love and support.
Read “What Happened to Abbey’s Mom.”
Read Nicole’s first blog post.
Read Nicole’s second blog post.
Read Nicole’s third blog post.
Read Nicole’s fourth blog post.