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For the Denver mayoral election, don’t just vote with the crowd. With a record 17* candidates poised to have their names on the ballot for the April 4 election, this is the electorate’s chance to choose someone it really wants to rule the Mile High City—via write-in candidates. Votes are destined to be spread out—and, thus, thin—meaning there’s a better-than-normal chance that a fill-in-the-blank contender could take the crown. We’ll start the brainstorming.
*One of those candidates, Kwame Spearman, dropped out after his name was already printed on the ballot, meaning any vote cast for him will be counted as an undervote.
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Write-in candidate: Michael Malone
This city needs passion. It needs leadership. It needs a strong post presence. Most of all, Denver needs a boss with a badass nickname: Michael “The Mayor” Malone. If the election goes to a runoff in June, the Denver Nuggets head coach’s inauguration could even coincide with a certain celebratory parade.
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Write-in candidate: Herschel Walker
The former Heisman Trophy winner doesn’t live in Colorado, but he didn’t live in Georgia, either, when he ran for a U.S. Senate seat there. He was, however, the valedictorian of his high school class, an FBI agent, and a successful businessman. OK, none of those claims made by Walker is true, but who cares? Facts are negotiable.
Does Denver need a higher profile?
Write-in candidate: Jena Griswold
Some have criticized the Colorado secretary of state for eschewing her duties in favor of appearing on CNN, for never meeting a political spotlight she didn’t try to steal, and for allegedly using taxpayer money on TV ads to boost her reputation. You know what we call that? Ambition.
Are litter boxes in schools your number one concern?
Write-in candidate: Heidi Ganahl
Denver Public Schools has enough issues without accommodating all the cats that have infiltrated its classrooms. Ganahl uncovered the feline menace when she ran for governor this past year and was the only candidate willing to wade through the litter on an issue other politicians refused to admit exists—because, well, it doesn’t.
Like the status quo?
Write-in candidate: Mitchell Hancook
Term limits prevent Michael Hancock from running for a fourth time, but there is a dark-horse candidate with a suspiciously similar resumé and appearance to Denver’s 45th mayor—save for some different glasses.